A number of people think that I am a tough person who doesn't really care about love. Well, they are wrong. I'd love to be whisked away into a romance. I'm a romantic at heart. Sometimes even a helpless romantic. I just came back from seeing the movie "New Moon" and it's supposed to all be about romance. Yet, I found myself thinking of it in a different way [more on that later].
Love. Romance. What do they really mean? Is there really a way for an unselfish love that you get wrapped up in and if even for just one split second you are happy -- truly happy? I don't know if I believe or if I even want to believe in such a thing.
I write and most of my writing depicts romance in some way, shape, or form. It depicts happiness and contentment. It tells of loss and trials and the beauty in over coming them. Now, I'm not saying I'm a good writer, heaven knows I'm horrible. But I enjoy it. I enjoy it because I'm helping someone, even though they are fictional, get the life that I wish I could live. My fantasies are being played out by characters that I create. Characters that are able to exceed what they meant to be and do. Characters that become so much more.
I used to be an idealist. That was until I woke up to find the world as a reality and realized that being a realist is simply being aware of the harsh realities of the world. I still like to dream ideal situations. However, it doesn't take long for the realism to kick in and then I realize that life is just another harsh reality. It has it's beautiful moments, no doubt. It just has some pretty rough situations as well.
This is another harsh reality all in itself. I like sleeping for the sake of dreaming. I can dream and nothing can stop me. In that moment I live in a place of pure happiness and contentment. I live in a place where life is fair and ideal. I live in a place where people are genuine. I live in a place where suffering does not exist.
But.. as always quoted "Welcome to the harsh realities!"
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
2miracles.1tragedy
Today was a day of a full spectrum of emotions. I had two miracles happen and one tragedy.
Well, I'm gonna back up to last night. I was laying in bed frustrated. Frustrated because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and I was confused. My back was hurting and things were just out of weird. I lay in bed praying, talking to God. I asked Him to make it clear to me what exactly He wanted me to do.
This morning I woke up and things were doing better. I wasn't as tired so that helped me quite a bit too. I got to school and my first class went well. I got to work in a group I had never really talked to before. I was facing most of the rest of the class and while I was on my way to work afterward, I pondered the people in my class. I remember a specific thought that went through my head: "If I was ever in trouble, I could go to any of those people and ask them to pray with me. They'd be there." I would never be able to tell you half of their favourite things but you ask me about their passions, beliefs, and core values and I'd probably be able to tell you. Ironic isn't it? How close you can be to someone without knowing any fact about them?
When I was done working, I decided I wanted to go and say hi to two of my friends. So I went up to their office. On the way there, I went to go see if my paper work had been completed for a request I put in with the academic administration. Long story short: I should have been charged $195 for something and I got it done for $0. Not a single penny. I'm so thankful for that. It was heavy on my heart for quite awhile.
I went to see my friends and as I walked into their office, I noticed one was crying. I asked what was wrong and she informed me that a girl, Kirsten Wolcott, who had been her friend since grade school, had gone out for a jog before her class and she hadn't returned. They then went looking and found her body. Kirsten was serving as a student missionary in Yap [an island located in Micronesia] teaching 2nd graders. I tried to comfort my friend as much as possible but it hadn't completely hit me.
We went to convocation [chapel] and the speaker [who was supposed to talk about dermatology] talked about death and the loss of a person close to you. It really got solemn in that room. With over 1000 people in one room and being able to hear a pin drop, it was truly weird. I appreciated people's respectfulness, however.
By lunch, it hit. I bawled like a baby and even though I didn't know Kirsten, it hit home. Once you've been a missionary or student missionary, you have a new love for people who go through similar experiences you do. It doesn't matter if you are on two separate continents. Once there is a loss, it is like a family.
I had to do a presentation for class and that didn't go so well, all things considering. However, it went ok and soon enough it was over. I then went to visit the head of the English department. [For those of you who don't know, I have been seriously considering changing my major to English Education.] Well, I walked in and he kept telling me the whole time that he didn't want to judge me but his impression of me was a strong one and that he thought I'd make a great teacher. I'd be able to gain and keep the respect of students and also I'd be able to help their lives. I was very appreciative of what he said and it almost made it that much clearer. The fact that he kept saying it over and over made me think that maybe it was sincere and that he really did mean it. At that point, I knew that God must be speaking. So here I am, almost ready to change my major.
More went on in my day, but alas, it is over and I am beyond emotionally drained. For those of you who have lost a loved one, just remember that God is coming soon. This world is not our home. It is just a small stepping stone to get to the greater, more amazing place that God has for us. Just keep trusting Him. Especially when you are grieving, He's the only one that can bring you complete comfort.
If any of Kirsten's friends or family is reading this, my sincerest condolences. I pray that you will receive the comfort you need. God be with you.
In closing dear ones, don't take your life for granted. Each moment of each day is special. Live each moment to the fullest because at any time, you don't know what could happen in the next second. Live.Laugh.Love.Be.Believe. :)
Well, I'm gonna back up to last night. I was laying in bed frustrated. Frustrated because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and I was confused. My back was hurting and things were just out of weird. I lay in bed praying, talking to God. I asked Him to make it clear to me what exactly He wanted me to do.
This morning I woke up and things were doing better. I wasn't as tired so that helped me quite a bit too. I got to school and my first class went well. I got to work in a group I had never really talked to before. I was facing most of the rest of the class and while I was on my way to work afterward, I pondered the people in my class. I remember a specific thought that went through my head: "If I was ever in trouble, I could go to any of those people and ask them to pray with me. They'd be there." I would never be able to tell you half of their favourite things but you ask me about their passions, beliefs, and core values and I'd probably be able to tell you. Ironic isn't it? How close you can be to someone without knowing any fact about them?
When I was done working, I decided I wanted to go and say hi to two of my friends. So I went up to their office. On the way there, I went to go see if my paper work had been completed for a request I put in with the academic administration. Long story short: I should have been charged $195 for something and I got it done for $0. Not a single penny. I'm so thankful for that. It was heavy on my heart for quite awhile.
I went to see my friends and as I walked into their office, I noticed one was crying. I asked what was wrong and she informed me that a girl, Kirsten Wolcott, who had been her friend since grade school, had gone out for a jog before her class and she hadn't returned. They then went looking and found her body. Kirsten was serving as a student missionary in Yap [an island located in Micronesia] teaching 2nd graders. I tried to comfort my friend as much as possible but it hadn't completely hit me.
We went to convocation [chapel] and the speaker [who was supposed to talk about dermatology] talked about death and the loss of a person close to you. It really got solemn in that room. With over 1000 people in one room and being able to hear a pin drop, it was truly weird. I appreciated people's respectfulness, however.
By lunch, it hit. I bawled like a baby and even though I didn't know Kirsten, it hit home. Once you've been a missionary or student missionary, you have a new love for people who go through similar experiences you do. It doesn't matter if you are on two separate continents. Once there is a loss, it is like a family.
I had to do a presentation for class and that didn't go so well, all things considering. However, it went ok and soon enough it was over. I then went to visit the head of the English department. [For those of you who don't know, I have been seriously considering changing my major to English Education.] Well, I walked in and he kept telling me the whole time that he didn't want to judge me but his impression of me was a strong one and that he thought I'd make a great teacher. I'd be able to gain and keep the respect of students and also I'd be able to help their lives. I was very appreciative of what he said and it almost made it that much clearer. The fact that he kept saying it over and over made me think that maybe it was sincere and that he really did mean it. At that point, I knew that God must be speaking. So here I am, almost ready to change my major.
More went on in my day, but alas, it is over and I am beyond emotionally drained. For those of you who have lost a loved one, just remember that God is coming soon. This world is not our home. It is just a small stepping stone to get to the greater, more amazing place that God has for us. Just keep trusting Him. Especially when you are grieving, He's the only one that can bring you complete comfort.
If any of Kirsten's friends or family is reading this, my sincerest condolences. I pray that you will receive the comfort you need. God be with you.
In closing dear ones, don't take your life for granted. Each moment of each day is special. Live each moment to the fullest because at any time, you don't know what could happen in the next second. Live.Laugh.Love.Be.Believe. :)
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Renegade?
Growing up, people often thought of me as "Rebellious". Although, honestly, I don't think I am. Well, not in the traditional meaning of the word. According to the dictionary it means:
I don't believe that defines me at all. Most of the things I enjoy are full of expression - it's true. However, one of my most fond memories is being in pathfinders and practicing and performing fancy drills along with our regular marching. It was weird. That used to be my little escape. Working with all those people, having to work so hard to achieve something. :) It was like an hour of ecstasy. Not that life wasn't good, don't get me wrong. It was just like an added bonus. :) Sure made life a lot more fun and exciting. I remember performing at the last minute during my last pathfinder camp-out with my unit, that was great fun! :) Sapphire Unit! :) It definitely has been a highlight of my life.
Anyways, going back to the rebel thing, I have come to the conclusion that people though of me that way because I questioned things. I like that I grew up in the mindset where it's ok to ask questions. It's ok to not understand. It's ok to doubt. I like that I have the brains to question something when it doesn't seem quite right. I know that for the culture I grew up in it wasn't always appreciated of me but I guess that's something I held on to from my parents.
We used to be known as "Rebelz 05-06" and I'll never forget that crew. Nor the teen pathfinder from the February 2005 camp-out when we became known as the "renegades".
These are things I sometimes think about when I'm up at night. Where is the line between doubt/questioning/curious and rebel? I believe it's a fine, very thin [if existent at all] line.
A rebel is a person who resists any authority, control, or tradition.
I don't believe that defines me at all. Most of the things I enjoy are full of expression - it's true. However, one of my most fond memories is being in pathfinders and practicing and performing fancy drills along with our regular marching. It was weird. That used to be my little escape. Working with all those people, having to work so hard to achieve something. :) It was like an hour of ecstasy. Not that life wasn't good, don't get me wrong. It was just like an added bonus. :) Sure made life a lot more fun and exciting. I remember performing at the last minute during my last pathfinder camp-out with my unit, that was great fun! :) Sapphire Unit! :) It definitely has been a highlight of my life.
Anyways, going back to the rebel thing, I have come to the conclusion that people though of me that way because I questioned things. I like that I grew up in the mindset where it's ok to ask questions. It's ok to not understand. It's ok to doubt. I like that I have the brains to question something when it doesn't seem quite right. I know that for the culture I grew up in it wasn't always appreciated of me but I guess that's something I held on to from my parents.
We used to be known as "Rebelz 05-06" and I'll never forget that crew. Nor the teen pathfinder from the February 2005 camp-out when we became known as the "renegades".
These are things I sometimes think about when I'm up at night. Where is the line between doubt/questioning/curious and rebel? I believe it's a fine, very thin [if existent at all] line.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Black Hawk Down
So last summer [2008] A friend of mine informed me that I needed to see the movie "Black Hawk Down". I didn't think much of it but did finally get around to seeing it. It changed my life. It is the most real war-movie I have seen in my life. Yes, there are probably critics out there but I think it was well done. Anyways, during all the emotion that was somehow relished by this movie, at the end right before the credits, a voice says...
"My love, you are strong and you will do well in life. I love you and my children deeply. Today and tomorrow, let each day grow and grow. Keep smiling and never give up, even when things get you down. So, in closing, my love...tonight, tuck my children in bed warmly. Tell them I love them. Then hug them for me...and give them both a kiss good night for Daddy."
With all the wars in the world going on right now, I wonder how many soldiers are dying. How many little kids have to say goodbye and never see their fathers again. I wonder how we let it get to this point. When we think of war we like to look at the fighters as a whole group - soldiers - not by individual name. Yet how many individuals are lost and all their loved ones affected? I wonder if indeed war solves any solutions or if it just raises many more. I am left to my thoughts and indeed mine alone. Just before you leave... please read it again. Let this quote stay with you.
"My love, you are strong and you will do well in life. I love you and my children deeply. Today and tomorrow, let each day grow and grow. Keep smiling and never give up, even when things get you down. So, in closing, my love...tonight, tuck my children in bed warmly. Tell them I love them. Then hug them for me...and give them both a kiss good night for Daddy."
"My love, you are strong and you will do well in life. I love you and my children deeply. Today and tomorrow, let each day grow and grow. Keep smiling and never give up, even when things get you down. So, in closing, my love...tonight, tuck my children in bed warmly. Tell them I love them. Then hug them for me...and give them both a kiss good night for Daddy."
With all the wars in the world going on right now, I wonder how many soldiers are dying. How many little kids have to say goodbye and never see their fathers again. I wonder how we let it get to this point. When we think of war we like to look at the fighters as a whole group - soldiers - not by individual name. Yet how many individuals are lost and all their loved ones affected? I wonder if indeed war solves any solutions or if it just raises many more. I am left to my thoughts and indeed mine alone. Just before you leave... please read it again. Let this quote stay with you.
"My love, you are strong and you will do well in life. I love you and my children deeply. Today and tomorrow, let each day grow and grow. Keep smiling and never give up, even when things get you down. So, in closing, my love...tonight, tuck my children in bed warmly. Tell them I love them. Then hug them for me...and give them both a kiss good night for Daddy."
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Warning: Look but don't see
Today I encountered someone who looked and saw. Most people would be confused at that statement as it seems to be quite a bold one. Someone may be able to Listen but not hear. Life seems to be quite an interesting mix. When someone can look into your eyes and see too deep into your soul. it's like the song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence in which Amy Lee sings "How can you see into my eyes, like open doors". I did some research on the song and found out that she wrote those lyrics after an experience she went through. She wasn't sure about what she was doing with her life, she had lost her path and direction. She was at a concert and when it ended someone she didn't know came up to her and asked If she was happy with what she was doing. As in REALLY happy. and that's when the words flowed. When someone looks into your eyes and sees so much deeper than just your mask or the smile on your face, it's a scary experience. :)
Kudos to you, See-r, not many people can do that!
Kudos to you, See-r, not many people can do that!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What Would It Take?
What would it take?
To erase that disappointment
The wrinkles around your eyes
All the scars I’ve caused
What would it take?
To make the sacrifices worthy
The long labouring hours
The stress and the suffering.
What would it take?
To regain your trust
Let the past remain
And step into a new life?
What would it take?
I’m done fighting
I’d do anything to hear
“I’m proud of you”
IYO
Oct 27 2009
To erase that disappointment
The wrinkles around your eyes
All the scars I’ve caused
What would it take?
To make the sacrifices worthy
The long labouring hours
The stress and the suffering.
What would it take?
To regain your trust
Let the past remain
And step into a new life?
What would it take?
I’m done fighting
I’d do anything to hear
“I’m proud of you”
IYO
Oct 27 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Deep Conversations
Do you ever get to the point where you just want some real, meaningful conversation? No, I'm not talking about the point in which one admits their love for another. I'm talking about real conversation about your fears, dreams, beliefs, and future. Well, quite often, I find myself in that exact situation - hoping that indeed, someone is deeper than just the surface.
It so happened that we didn't have a class today yet I spent that whole class period in the classroom. No, I wasn't studying. I was conversing with someone. Let me back up a bit. Although we both went to the same high school, we were never there at the same time so I barely know this person. It is someone I say "Hi" and "Bye" to. They had to do a survey for a different class and so asked if they could interview me. The first question was whether I thought people at my school now dress immodestly. Seems like a simple enough question right? Well, from there we talked about dress, thoughts, people's shallowness, social expectations, relationships, romantic relationships, marriage, God, God's love, God's grace, sin, the unpardonable sin, and a couple other things in between the cracks. Weird isn't it? Most people would think so. I will admit, I wasn't completely comfortable talking to someone about all this on the first actual conversation. However, this person really opened my eyes. I have wanted real conversation for awhile and I know that I got it.
I've been praying lately about things in life. There comes a time in life where you have to keep your parents religion or throw it out. I've been in that stage for a couple years and I'm finally deciding that it's in my hands and I have to do something about it. Along with that have come many other decisions - if I should change my major, what major I should be doing, what I'm living for, etc. I complain that people are being shallow and yet here I am, worried and so consumed in me. When I should be focused on God.
If YOU [the person I conversed with this afternoon] are reading this, THANK YOU! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It was one of the deepest conversations I've had in my whole life and you took time out of your busyness to talk to me :) Thanks for opening my eyes to how much I was missing. :) God Bless!
It so happened that we didn't have a class today yet I spent that whole class period in the classroom. No, I wasn't studying. I was conversing with someone. Let me back up a bit. Although we both went to the same high school, we were never there at the same time so I barely know this person. It is someone I say "Hi" and "Bye" to. They had to do a survey for a different class and so asked if they could interview me. The first question was whether I thought people at my school now dress immodestly. Seems like a simple enough question right? Well, from there we talked about dress, thoughts, people's shallowness, social expectations, relationships, romantic relationships, marriage, God, God's love, God's grace, sin, the unpardonable sin, and a couple other things in between the cracks. Weird isn't it? Most people would think so. I will admit, I wasn't completely comfortable talking to someone about all this on the first actual conversation. However, this person really opened my eyes. I have wanted real conversation for awhile and I know that I got it.
I've been praying lately about things in life. There comes a time in life where you have to keep your parents religion or throw it out. I've been in that stage for a couple years and I'm finally deciding that it's in my hands and I have to do something about it. Along with that have come many other decisions - if I should change my major, what major I should be doing, what I'm living for, etc. I complain that people are being shallow and yet here I am, worried and so consumed in me. When I should be focused on God.
If YOU [the person I conversed with this afternoon] are reading this, THANK YOU! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It was one of the deepest conversations I've had in my whole life and you took time out of your busyness to talk to me :) Thanks for opening my eyes to how much I was missing. :) God Bless!
-JMI-
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